Fire in the hole

On Saturday I tried to burn down my house. (Shh don’t tell the insurance company I work for!) I was getting ready for a funeral and also prepping dinner for that night as my brother was coming to dinner later and I wouldn't have much time since I would be gone all afternoon. I I put a squash in the microwave (like I have done 100 times before) hit start and went to do my hair. I smelled campfire. But I didn’t get too excited as our neighbor has one burning daily. Then it smelled really like campfire so I looked in the mirror and behind me & black smoke was in the air. I ran to the microwave, where black smoke was billowing out. I opened it…and filled the room with the stuff. I threw open the windows and called my husband who ran upstairs. The squash stem was burnt to a black ember and was glowing with sparks. John ran it underwater and then carried it outside. We put fans in the windows to suck out the smoke until we had to leave. We sprayed FeBreze everywhere. Then we realized the microwave itself had to go outside. (Sadly, it is shot unless you want to give that good burned hot dog smell to something.) At the funeral everyone who hugged us smelled campfire and we had to explain again and again. For the last three days we have had vinegar sitting around in bowls to help wart off the evil smoke spirits, don’t you know. It helped, but of course, now the whole house smells like a pickle!