Grrrrr Happy Halloween

Shoo headless creatures
You are not allowed here.
And what kind of person
Comes as a cow’s rear?

Fly away all you witches
On your hot rod zoom broom.
Go home little goblins
You should be asleep in your room.

Tonight when the candy is gone
And everything is fine,
Then this Old Witch can relax
With a large glass of wine!

Fire in the hole

On Saturday I tried to burn down my house. (Shh don’t tell the insurance company I work for!) I was getting ready for a funeral and also prepping dinner for that night as my brother was coming to dinner later and I wouldn't have much time since I would be gone all afternoon. I I put a squash in the microwave (like I have done 100 times before) hit start and went to do my hair. I smelled campfire. But I didn’t get too excited as our neighbor has one burning daily. Then it smelled really like campfire so I looked in the mirror and behind me & black smoke was in the air. I ran to the microwave, where black smoke was billowing out. I opened it…and filled the room with the stuff. I threw open the windows and called my husband who ran upstairs. The squash stem was burnt to a black ember and was glowing with sparks. John ran it underwater and then carried it outside. We put fans in the windows to suck out the smoke until we had to leave. We sprayed FeBreze everywhere. Then we realized the microwave itself had to go outside. (Sadly, it is shot unless you want to give that good burned hot dog smell to something.) At the funeral everyone who hugged us smelled campfire and we had to explain again and again. For the last three days we have had vinegar sitting around in bowls to help wart off the evil smoke spirits, don’t you know. It helped, but of course, now the whole house smells like a pickle!

Brain Fart!

Did you ever have a brain fart so big you can’t remember something you know, you know? Well yesterday my oldest brother threw me a curve by saying it was our niece’s birthday a couple weeks ago. (They had just sent her a gift) And I said no, it was our nephew’s B-day but not our niece’s. Hers is in the spring, like April, I thought. We tossed it back and forth a few times my husband agreed with him and we all agreed to disagree.
(Until I could prove them wrong, that is!)

So this morning I started looking for my birthday book. I couldn’t find it. I found my Mother’s address and birthday book, their birthday's weren't listed in there. Now, I thought that was very weird but I pressed on. I called Shannon; she couldn’t find her birthday calender either. She was searching her palm pilot but a car accident in the street in front of her house was more interesting…so she went out to investigate.
Then I thought I will pull them up on my office computer, I have them insured. However, the kids weren’t listed under the members tab. Now this just plain pissed me off. So, like an idiot, and the worst aunt in the world, I called their mom, and just asked. Ah ha! I was right! Lil’s B-day was in April and Ian’s was in Sept. Then I decided to enter them in the computer as long as I was at it and low and behold they were already listed in there…I had looked in the wrong place. We have a new more updated place to look…I forgot that.
Then I walked upstairs and went to put my mom’s book away so I wouldn’t lose that too…and I saw a birthday tab…I had been looking in the address section. Of course in the birthday section…they were listed there! Of course my mother, who was the most organized person I know, had NOT forgotten to write down the birthdates of two of her grandchildren. Then when I put the book away, where it belonged this time, there was my birthday book! Brain Fart…so big! So this never happens again I am going to do what my mother always did. Every January she would write everyone's birthday on the new calender before she tossed out the old one. That way she never forgot anyones big day.
The silver lining is that I was right and I get to email that to my brother later! I love being right! (Even if I had to look like an idiot to prove it!)

Slippery Little Suckers

I was washing dishes this morning and while my husband jumped in the shower…pretty soon I hear a loud yell, “Connie, can you get me a bar of soap!” (Remember he is not the changer of empties. He finished the bar yesterday apparently and forgot to refill…shocker. I wouldn’t know as I usually use liquid and a “puff” I guess even desperation wouldn’t have let him use my Creamy Coconut scrub.) Keep reading there is a point…a few seconds later I hear it…the clunk of a soap bar hitting the shower floor. I wait and yes I hear it once again and I start laughing. I knew it would hit the floor a new soap bar always does and I was thinking was that fate? Not fate, Kismet, not Kismet. And then it hit me, Law of Averages! Yes, it is the Law of Averages that dictates a new bar of soap will hit the floor on the first day it’s opened and sometimes more than once. Has that ever happened to you, well it’s happened to me.

So now I am taking a poll...if this happens to you--tell me!

A childhood tale

Once upon a time when I was a kid at home (many years ago) my dad would always complain about how many lights were on in the house. He would rant, rave, lecture and turn out lights at every opportunity.
“Do you think I have stock in the electric company? Turn the lights out when you leave a room. This is costing me a fortune. I just walked through the house and found three rooms with no one in them and lights burning.”
“Gee dad we were just getting a drink or taking a bathroom break…etc.”
Things as we knew them were about to change. From then on, no matter, if you were watching TV with a couple of lights on…click…total darkness, followed by, “you don’t need lights to watch TV.”
If you were curled up in a chair reading…click…total darkness, “hey I can’t read in the dark.” Followed by…click…lights on and grumbling and mumbling “Darn kids never think of reading in the daylight!”
Then after one weekend of constantly getting the lights turned off on us we rebelled. Let’s turn the lights off and sit in complete darkness every chance we get and let's always turn the lights off on dad. Even mom was on our side. Operation lights out commenced.

Poor dad if he was half way up the stairs with arms loaded…click…total darkness! Crash… “Oops, didn’t know anyone was there, are you okay dad, just trying to save you money.”
If he was lying under the sink with a wrench…click…total darkness. You get the picture.
We sat in total darkness for an entire month. It was so bad one guy friend of mine said he thought we all went on vacation.
Then finally the big day, the electric bill came. “Grumble grumble…no difference” Dad muttered.
And that night dad marched through the house turning on all the lights in the house. “Hey, what’s the idea we asked?”
“I give up.” Dad said. “I bought stock in the electric company! Let there be light!”
And so there was. The End

Insanity day 5

I can sum up this week by saying two things;TGIF! And booze is in my future.

Insanity

Crazy Crazy work week. Remember when I clicked and clicked and got carpel tunnel? Well it was because things at work were slow. So we sent out 200 letters offering umbrella policies. (A million dollar policy to cover you against a big liability law-suit, which by the way all of you should have.) But who would have expected all 200 hundred people to call….crap it is nuts around here! It is 7:20pm and here I am still at work. But that is it I quit…for tonight at least. Next time I get the bright idea to send out letters I will be smart enough to send out 25 at a time. Both for my carpel tunnel health and my sanity. Wine here I come!

New Address: Room 212 Old Folks Home

First of all once I write this and put it out for the whole world to read I am sealing my fate as a grandmother…I will never be allowed to baby-sit my own grandchild! I will be lucky to be allowed to care for their dog. (Jon’s fish—never!)

Here is what happened: Today I got up early and decided not to jump in the shower. Instead I opted for the wash face, brush teeth, pit spray clean up. I got my clothes on, fed the dog, drank coffee, a bit of make up and down the stairs to the office I went. I wanted to start early and vacuum and dust. Which I did. Then we opened the office. I saw my husband we talked about a file. I saw our office assistant. I saw clients. This went on for about an hour. Then I had to use the bathroom. While washing my hands I looked in the mirror and much to my horror…I hadn’t fixed my hair! I mean I got out of bed, with bed-head and just left the house. Of course I ran upstairs and fixed it quick, belly laughing the whole time. In fact, I haven’t been able to keep a straight face all day. The most ironic part is no one said a word. I know my hair is the messy style but come on.

In the past I have left the house will rollers in…Now I am wondering what next? Will I show up somewhere with my shirt on backwards; (actually I have done that too) with my pajama’s on; with my underwear on the outside of my clothes? Will I even show up at the right place?

Last night a friend said that at the book store she saw a book called Memory so she bought it thinking it might be helpful. After she paged through it a bit at home, she went to put it on the book shelf and low and behold…she slid it in next to a book called Memory! I am calling her tonight. I definitely need to borrow a copy and she needs to read the other one!

A hole in one

Tonight our recently formed knitters group met for the first time. The two new knitters caught on quickly and now we are going to get together to knit our prayer shawls as often as we can. The women are a wonderful caring group of friends so of course tonight was a lot of laughs. And the food we brought to share was yummy. The snacks turned it into a party! The only thing we were missing was the wine…but wine and knitting don’t mix well. After they left I sat down to finish the shawl I was working on and after it was done I held it up and low and behold a huge hole right in the middle of it! This is not a good thing. So either I have to figure out some innovative way to disguise it, or Angel has just gotten a new blankey! At least it’s pink.

Brotherly Love

My brother—I think I’ll keep him!
My brother Howard was here for the weekend and we had so much fun together. First we had a meeting with several people who live on Agate Lake, (a pre-association meeting) which I volunteered him to lead as he is an expert in ground water and lake restoration. Then he and I went to Ruttgers’s Oktoberfest for a brat and beer. (Or two in his case) We walked all around the property, checking out the lake, and then listened to polka music. I used to go with my mother every year and I miss that, maybe that is why going with him was so special. Then I made a fabulous dinner of glazed ham and ham and bean soup. If I do say so myself, my bean soup is second to none! Yum. Maybe it is because I glaze the ham with RUM. Then this morning we went through an old box of Mom things and sorted it. He had lunch and now is headed back to Duluth. I love you Bro!

Stop reading those Romanicals!

Our dog, Angel, likes to sit on her daddy’s lap. When John is sitting down--I am chopped liver she won’t jump on my lap unless I bribe her with a treat…except when I am knitting! Then she loves me oh so much, wants my lap, and wants to be right there on top of the yarn. She is just like a kid—she wants your attention whenever she knows she doesn’t have it.

Shannon used to do the same thing. When she was little, (about 2 1/2 or 3) if I would sit down to relax and pick up a book, (Romance Novels in those days) within minutes she would come up to me with these really sad little eyes and say, “Mommy stop reading those romanicals.” I can still hear that little voice as if it was yesterday, guilt stays with you a long time.

I guess a mother just can't win, if she is doing something for herself someone wants her to stop.

Trick or Treat

Reading Jess’s blog about costumes set me to thinking…I hate Halloween. I have for as long as I can remember. Even as a kid. For a variety of reasons, here are only a few. One, why do we celebrate an evil saint’s day? Seems like Devil worship. Two, the house we lived in for 20 odd years was on the widest best lit street in town. Hence we had about 350 trick or treat-ers ringing the doorbell all night long. Three, our dog went berserk with each ring….not fun! Four, did I mention how much money was spent in candy we had to give out. (After many candy tampering scares we gave out pencils and even cash just because I didn’t want to inadvertently give out bad candy.) Five, I also have a problem with kids getting so much candy. It’s bad for their teeth, makes them hyper and usually sick. I never let my daughter trick or treat as a kid, except for going to a couple of neighbors and grandparents but that was all. Of course, as a child always loves the forbidden—
Halloween is her favorite holiday and she goes all out! Decorating the whole house, dressing up, throwing parties…(Go figure)

One thing I love about where I live now…we only get a few kids for trick or treat, my nephew and his buddies and a couple of Shannon’s friends with their kids. Gotta love dark alleys!

Last Supper

I was visiting a friend of my mother-in-laws at the hospital tonight who is dying of brain cancer. She is 80, a wonderful woman, her two sons and husband have preceded her in death, and all she wants now is to be with them. Her attitude is so good. She has had other complications though and she was hurting tonight. She can’t eat anything, literally, so she was preoccupied thinking of food. She was talking about her favorite foods that her mother used to make. To keep her mind off the pain we played the game ‘what would I eat if this was our last meal’…Her is what she wanted, pea soup, cod fish with white gravy, lefsa, coffee, bean & ham soup, beef roast and pork roast (cooked together) with gravy, homemade bread, coffee, cheese, homemade carmel rolls, coffee and a martini with olives. (You will be happy to know that the doctor was letting her have a cup of coffee tonight!)

This got me thinking what would I like—wine, my Mother’s Boiled Dinner, Rafferty’s Pizza, a cold Mich Golden Light with salt, chips & salsa with a Margarita, more wine, Publix rye bread toasted with butter, coffee, lobster with butter, Agate Lake fish-fried, my spaghetti, bean soup, green beans with ham, turkey, (only the crisp skin), broasted chicken wings, hot buffalo wings with blue cheese, wine…rhubarb cake, ice cream, apple pie, real root beer float, pumpkin bars and hopefully sometime in there I would just go to sleep…forever. If only it could be that way for every one and we could all be turning 100.
Lois…I pray you will go this way!

Out of Shape

I give out of shape a whole new meaning! Today at work I had to query a list of our clients 542 came up in that query I had to reduce the list to 200. To do that I had to right click, left click, double click, right click to delete them 342 times X 3…you do the math! Needless to say it was a lot of clicking and now I have a carpel tunnel like pain in the right fore arm and wrist…and it’s bad…I think I will have to leave work early and ice it—(I found the silver lining.)

Worst gift ever

Recently I read that woman’s brains and men’s function differently. No shit Sherlock! The interesting part of the article said that it takes ten years for information to move from the left side of the man’s brain to the right side which is the action side. (Or vice versa) But the point is my husband is living proof that is true. Here is the story:
In the late 1970’s one of my friends got an expensive perfume called, Opium. I thought it smelled heavenly and started dropping hints to my husband like, “I love Penney’s perfume, I think I might like a bottle of that Opium, you know for a gift sometime.” I never got it. I got light bulbs. Over the next few years I kept hinting. And the hints got less subtle, “Gee is it Christmas already, I bet you need a hint of what to buy me, I would like a tiny little bottle of Opium perfume. I know it’s expensive but it’s just that I would like it so much.” Still no Opium, which turned out to be a good thing for two reasons, one I decided I hated the smell of Opium by then and two I developed an allergy to scents.
Then around 1988 my husband came home from work and he looked like the cat who swallowed the canary. “I bought you a gift. A traveling salesman stopped in the office today selling perfume. He said they were Knock-offs but smelled just like the real thing. He was rattling off the names of what the different ones were and he said Opium, and I remembered you wanted some of that so I bought it, here this is for you.”
I opened the brown paper sack and pulled out a bottle of cologne the size of a litter of pop. “How did you remember that?” I ask, “I haven’t mentioned Opium for at least ten years.”
“I don’t know it just came to me. I bet you’re surprised.”
“Oh yes, I’m surprised, but how thoughtful of you. Although this doesn’t say opium. It says Impatience.” I say reading at the label.
“Of course not it would be illegal to call it Opium. But smell it. He said it smelled just like opium. And that best part is that whole big bottle only cost $3.00” He said proudly.
I spray some on my wrist and smell….Oh God awful!...It smelled like a combination of skunk and puke.
“Oh yaw that smells a lot like it. Yup. Thanks.” I say with my nose partially pinched shut. I set the one litter size bottle it the bathroom and never use it. Several years later when I have sprayed enough outside on the deck to show that I appreciated it…I finally toss it out.
But the purchase proves is that, it does take ten years for something that went in one ear to travel through the brain to the hand and into the wallet.

favorite quote

I received this quote from a friend today:
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours."
~Vine Deloria, Jr.

And it reminded me of my favorite quote which hung in my parents’ entryway for as long as I can remember; now it hangs in mine and makes me laugh every time I come home.

(The picture on the plaque shows American Indians who are rolling in laughter….and it says…)

“When White Man came to this world Indians were running it.
There were no taxes or debt and the women did all the work.
And White Man thought he could improve on a system like that!”

TGIF

TGIF need I say more.

Today's happenings

...called Son-in-law to wish him a Happy Birthday. Missed him this morning I will try tonight. I dropped the dog off at the groomers (Angel looks faboulous)…picked up Gramma Sue (my sister-in-laws grandma) brought her to a friends & brought her back. Went to see my nephew run Cross country, his final meet…missed it! He told me the wrong time. A lot of us missed it for that reason. But he did great. His junior-high team won the meet and he took 10th overall and there were six conference schools. So great job Drue! My brother talked to me! (He has been mad for a couple months) So that was good. Over all, not exciting but a very nice day. It would have been better if I could have cooked a great dinner and birthday cake for Jon’s birthday. I love you…I wouldn’t trade you for anything!
(Well that’s a lie…I’d trade you for fifty million dollars, or maybe less, I’d have to think on it.)

Knit & Purl

I have recently finished a knitting project for our church. Most churches have groups that make prayer shawls. For those of you who haven’t heard about them it’s nothing more than a warm and cozy wrap about 20 inches wide by 60 inches long. What makes them special is that you weave silent prayers into them as you knit. When you are done you pass it onto your church, at which time a prayer group prays over the shawl and then gives it away to someone who is ill. I have known several people who have gotten them including my own mother. They have all mentioned how comforting it is to wrap up in the soft shawl and know that someone cares. I am not a great knitter but it was easy and it gave me a project to do while watching TV at night (I pray during the commercials.)

As The World Turns

Could the World still turn if two people who couldn’t change a toilet paper roll…married each other? My theory is that the universe makes certain that doesn’t happen. Fate is why opposites attract…so in a relationship there will always one person who can change the empty roll of T.P.; one person who can unwrap a new stick of butter; one person who can call for reservations; one person who can carry out the garbage; one person who can kill bugs; one person who can empty mouse traps; one person who can put down the lid on the commode; one person who can run the VCR or DVR; one person who can mow grass; and one person who can clean up puke. Ain’t fate great?

Calling all refrigerators--green or clean?

I must be trying to do my part to “go green”. Or I should say my refrigerator is. For days now I knew it was too full and needed to be cleaned out. But I could still stack and shove, but this morning the shoving resulted in a total disaster. So I took out the slimy green food one container at a time. I had “lettuce soup” in the bottom drawer. Yuk. It is shocking how someone who is as neat and clean-freaky as I am can keep her refrigerator like I do. I need Dr. Phil! Even now I have only done the quick clean method. Tonight I vow to go through every jar! (Or if not tonight soon...)
Am I the only one who does this? Are there any other Refrigerator's out there "Going Green." Please let me know...what does your refrigerator look like?

Week End

Today I was a bit more productive. Husband and I did watch a couple early movies until about 11:00am then ambitious Husband went out to trim trees but got rained out and worked in the office. I had already put dinner in the crock pot so I went to a friend’s house to knit all afternoon. Then I invited said friend to dinner and ummm it was so good. Pork roast with homemade gravy, curried rice, and one of my famous, everything but the kitchen sink, salads! God how I love my crock pot, which is actually a roaster, but close enough. I just threw in the roast about 9:00 with salt and pepper and a splash of beef stock and abracadabra I have a wonderful meal prepared by 5:30 even though I spent the day knitting. You gals who don’t use the slow cooker…you really should try it! I am here for culinary help any time!

Now this Desperate Housewife is posting quickly before I return to the big screen yet again.

Lazy=remote control

Today I gave the term lazy day a whole new meaning. My husband went off with a buddy to watch two football games. The house was clean, no one to feed so I watched some stuff on TV, read a book, cleaned up, (decided I’d better get out of my PJ’s after all it was 2:00pm) ran to the post office (son-in-law’s birthday is coming don’t want the card to be late), stopped at the grocery store. I bet you think I came home and did something worth while. NOT. Instead I watched Meada’s Family Reunion so I could droll over that darling Boris Kodjoe again, watched Simply Irresistible, because I had it taped, then just jumped around on some channels.
I have learned something about myself today; I really like having the remote and giant flat screen to myself. Watch out husband tomorrow is Sunday (football) so you better hope that guilt gets the best of me and I find something productive to do so that I give the remote back.

Bathroom Reader

Last night at book club one of the gals brought up a blog called the pioneer woman if you haven’t checked it out do so. thepioneerwoman.com
I think I’m hooked. Once you help someone pick out the stain color for their bathroom how do you move on?
Wouldn’t you know just when we buy a 46 inch flat screen TV I figure out that I am too busy to watch it—too busy reading the blogs of family, friends and now strangers. Blogs are fun but maddening. The maddening part is like reading a book in the bathroom. You sit down start to get into the book then you must put it down and not pick the book up until you have to go again. That’s what reading blogs are like…I want to keep on reading but I’m done and can’t pick up the book again until tomorrow. (That is why I don’t read in the bathroom…I am impatient. I can’t wait to turn the next page.)

I see in blog comments Carol responded…is that my Carol? NASA Carol? If so I-hope all is well! I have been thinking of you and your wedding lately, as it is pumpkin stew time.
Email me sometime. I don’t want to put out my email on this blog but you can figure it out here’s how:
It is the first letter of my first name and then my whole last name (plus)
@amfam.com

Nite Nite

Today I hosted my book club and it was my day off so basically I cleaned and cooked. I kicked my husband and dog out for the evening. But the husband is getting a big pay-off. They left him all kinds of deserts and spaghetti salad for tomorrow.
The book for this month was Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. As far as the book goes it was not one of my favorites. It was worth reading but I didn’t connect with it much. The other gals seemed to really like it though so I guess it was just me.
The get together was a blast. It always is, we eat, talk, drink…(maybe I should write a book?)
I’m too tired to be witty…I need sleep.

Elvis

I went to the movie Game Plan with the Rock. (I loved it) The movie was full of great Elvis music. It seems everywhere I turn there is hipe about Elvis lately. (On American Idol, specials...etc.) I keep thinking if his family would have someone remix the background music of all his songs bringing it into todays sound and then lay Elvis' own voice tracks back down on it...The King could live again! Even bigger than before I'll bet. Just think a whole new generation of kids could grow up loving him the way I did. The King would live on and never have to leave the building.

A glutton for punishment

I see that some of you have had experience with the doll clothes debacle. The advice to go buy doll clothes is so appreciated and so smart and probably even cheaper. But the satisfaction of doing it myself, the whole need to say that I can do it…keeps pushing me onward. Although I have learned that all material needs to be stretchy!